The thought of having the sex talk with your daughter can be an unnerving proposition for any mother.
Internally, questions can swirl around regarding how much “detail” to give her or what if she asks a question for which you don’t have an answer.
Sex-Talk Time Is Sooner Than Later
I’d thought I would have time and not have to address this topic until my daughters were finishing 8th grade and about to enter high school. However, my wake-up call came when they began sixth grade at a public charter school in NJ.
It was the third week of school and my daughters brought home a school letter stating that an organization was being brought in to give a “health education talk” to the student body.
I smiled at my girls and said, “ ‘Health education talk’ is code for them giving students a sex talk. But you’re not going to attend that assembly. Instead we’re going to send them a formal letter telling them to place you in another classroom and give you an alternative assignment. Daddy and I will talk with you about sex.”
And that’s what we did.
Though everyone has different views and opinions about sex, the following are three tips to help frame your discussion.
Tip#1: Simply State Sex Facts
Simply stating the biological sex facts is the best way to avoid confusion.
Before you do that, though, make sure to ask your daughter what is her understanding of what sex is. Listen carefully to her response. Then interject any factual corrections or fill in any gaps in her understanding.
Despite new medicines and medical advances, it is the penetration of a sperm into an ovulated egg’s cell membrane that triggers the fertilization of the egg.
The union of the egg and sperm is typically facilitated by the man’s penis entering the woman’s vagina.
The birth of a baby is a huge responsibility for the parents.
Tip#2: Explain Sex In Context
Honestly tell your daughter where your perspective on sex comes from. Was it your own parent’s perspective? Did you stick with or diverge from that perspective; and why?
State your heart’s desire for your daughter as it relates to sex.
Review the realities of sexually transmitted diseases and all forms of birth control.
Whether it’s from your husband or a trusted male in her/your life who shares a similar perspective to yours, introduce the male perspective into the discussion.
Tip#3: X The Spots Of Sexual Non-negotiables
As a mom, you need to know and communicate what your non-negotiable expectations are for your daughter and her sexual behavior while she is under your care. Remember to state this simply and clearly. Then explain the reason (the context) for your expectation.
Also make sure to communicate to your daughter what her own non-negotiables ought to be regarding:
- Respect: her respecting herself and her body.
- Boundaries: her body and physical space ought to be respected and what to do if it’s not.
- Her “No” means “No”: that it’s her right to say, “No” and to expect her “No” to be listened to.
My husband and I had a 45-minute sex-talk with our 6th grade daughters. They had a few questions that we were able to answer. Still, we didn’t know what they’d grasped.
A few days later, the school’s “health education talk” occurred. Our daughters went to school and were placed in a classroom to complete an English assignment. They came home and told us the following.
- Their classmates had asked them why they were not at the assembly. Our daughters told them the reasons and that we’d had a sex talk with them at home.
- Upon hearing this, their peers asked our daughters for details of our sex talk. Our daughters shared everything with them.
- Their peers said that the “health education talk” had traumatized them and they wish we had given them the sex talk instead.
Our daughters smiled and thanked us.
©Dr. Michelle Deering & Curative Connections LLC. All Rights Reserved.